I haven't been updating. I'm reading Bukowski right now. Between that, working, and partying I don't have much time. Or much to say really.

I don't have a job. I'm not in school.
BUT I have the best boyfriend in the world.
And I've seen cursive and man man two times in the past two weeks.

Simply amazing.

I can't think like a normal person.
I can't sleep like a normal person.
I can't eat like a normal person.

But I'd be willing to bet all that I'm worth that I can love better than anyone.

I like it that way.

I see what appears to be lightning outside my window a lot.
I'm terrified of lightning.
I'll spend the next thirty minutes or so thinking of what it could have been.
Maybe a police car.
No, no sirens.
Maybe I caught the street light coming on in my peripheral vision.
No, it's 5:30 in the morning.
Perhaps it was just the headlights of someone speeding by.
Probably not.
It doesn't really matter. It's an irrational fear of mine. I have a lot of those.
Even when it does turn out to be lightning, I realize it's not so bad.
Things always seem so perfect in the past. I think that's part of the reason the future seems so terrifying.


In between living in the past and dreading the future, I take the present for granted. 

I'm so afraid of dying, I'm depriving myself from living.

I wasn't always like this.

Every day is mine and I waste every second.